Many couples I have worked with realize that yes while the sex is missing, the desire on one or both partner's part has faded, what was really missing, was intimacy.
There is very common. During the start of any relationship, the honeymoon phase - everything is easy, the sex is hot, the desire is red hot. Then, for for a multitude of different reason; life, work, kids stress, things fade. The sex becomes less....often quick and out of obligation more than anything else. # minutes before turning out the lights. When a couple are experiencing different levels of desire for sex, I will ask them – Why do you want sex? What do you love about sex? What does sex give you? The words ‘closeness’ and ‘connection’ are often featured in the answers to these questions, sometimes they are only ones. I also hear "spark". I ask if they are experiencing closeness and connection elsewhere in the relationship and often they’re not. There is often distance, whether physical, emotional or both. Over time intimacy has got less and less as the dynamics around sex start to become sticky. Knowing this is ok, this is natural, there is nothing ‘wrong’ is a huge relief for the couples I work with. This relief creates space to explore what is actually happening from a place of kindness not judgement. We live in a culture which is increasingly starved of touch, of closeness, of intimacy. We are never more connected, yet at the same time we have never been more isolated. Spending countless hours on the phone, on the computer, on social media, on porn, is not connection..It feels like connection and its easy. Which brings me to a different point. I wanted to start this post by saying Older Couples...only to differentiate from younger or new couples. When I started my couples workshops, the typical client couple was 50 or so, empty nesting, and typically in love but grown apart. But then I started seeing younger couples; 30s-40s, not grown apart, but never really connected. Yeah they share some hot sex memories maybe listening to Dave Matthews music but now hubby toils away in the basement on his computer, wife is on her ipad. They are super polite and share a morning coffee or a ritual, but not intimacy. He has porn, she has toys. Now - thanks to social media, the paralyzing effects of endless choice in dating apps, and wildly unrealistic expectations about what life is supposed to give you, I am seeing younger new couples who honestly don't have a clue about how to come together in the first place We are all in the same boat. Everyone wants the same thing. The times change, the details change but the problem is familiar. I work with couples of all ages and stages. The answers are not complicated, but they may be uncomfortable to hear. Relationships take work, they take effort. They ebb and flow. Everyone is focused on what they can get out of relationship. Few ask what they can give. Are you craving more intimacy? Maybe better sex, new ways to experience pleasure. Better communication? Give Couples Coaching or one of my workshops or retreats a try.
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